The first stages of any new venture can be fraught with misunderstanding.
And sometimes those uncertainties can reappear although apparently settled before.
I was reading about "journaling prayer" and came across the statement: "write your love letter to Jesus and listen to His love letter to you."
But Lord, I don't feel very lovable.
– I know... –
I'm not sure that is You.
Funny. I've been treating my family with extra gentleness; yet I feel unlovable. It seems I aim those feelings more towards You than elsewhere. I just don't have any idea of how I'm supposed to be around You. Everything feels so scrambled up, yet I find I sing praises to You under my breath as I go about, unknowingly.
– Do you think perhaps that pleases Me? –
Yes, now that You mention it. I think it pleases You very much when adoration for You wells up from within us even when we feel reject-able. I guess it shows some kind of trust: perhaps the one that knows You are steadfast, no matter what... and knows that You will get us out of whatever predicament we (or our past) lands us into.
Then I start to cry. I hear a sort of unhappy but soothing:
– What...!? –
Oh. I don't know... I feel all wrong. Like I'm doing it all wrong.
– There is no "all wrong". Each way is individual. –
Always people's perspective that seeking You intently is selfish and self-serving sets me into a tizzy of fear. Am I really so self serving? Yesterday You gently showed me how You used me for others in a way that was woven into my day. And as I sit here, I think that even my "housework" per se, is really a serving of my family: a way of supporting each one and helping them achieve their goals.
And I realize: the time I sit before You is proportionally not so huge. It is a good bit of time, but not really when seen against the backdrop of life's demands. I hope this is not too selfish of me, but I crave it so.
– Why? Why do you want this? –
Because if I do not come apart to seek You, then I fall apart. As far as people go: there is nothing in me that can serve You by serving them unless You pour it into me. I need You!
Granted: I want You, too – - but I cannot function as Your servant apart from You; and to be a part of You I have to come apart with You for awhile everyday!
Oh. but that sounds so work oriented, when in truth I come because You are simply glorious to be near.