Power and Anger and Hate

The song, "Miracles" about a man's little daughter with a brain tumor has the line, "Daddy make it go away.” That has to be the most heart wrenching line I have ever heard.

– Do you think I could feel any less? –

no. I guess not. Its just that the line seems/sounds so hopeless. I'm confused. I don't understand. Its poignancy lay in the father's powerlessness, while You are powerful..

– There are things you don't understand. –

I know... I also get confused as to how Your compassion and anger blend, fit together and somehow do not negate each other...

– Think: yourself. How is it for you? –

yes, I see, a little. Both anger and compassion have theirs roots in passion – a passionate and driven love and a passionate yearning for truth to be seen and for righteousness to prevail. Part of it is passion for righteousness.

What was it You said? "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. . . . Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt 5)

So – it's almost there, almost on the edge of my consciousness. I almost get it.

But when I get really, really angry, I feel destructive.

– What if it is someone you love? –

no. not really.

– When it is someone you are very close to? –

I needed to see that, didn't I?

1) If I do feel hateful, it is temporary and probably due to a) sin (mine) not under control, b) hormones, c) low blood sugar, d) major stress overload, e) some sort of desperate fear, etc.

2) I needed to be able to separate Your anger from Your hate.

That's what You are telling me, isn't it? That on some level I am confusing anger with hate, especially when it comes to You.

You do get angry with us.

We get angry at our children, too. But that is not the same as hate.

We get angry at each other, and may even say so. But as long as we are filled with Your love and desire to walk in Your Spirit, the anger will only be a temporary thing.

Scripture says that Your anger lasts but for a moment, but Your love endures forever. Thank You.

Be it so, Lord. I do not want to do/say the things or harbor the thoughts that anger You -- even that temporary breech in relationship gives me a sick feeling.

(Col. 3)"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature... Now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these:

anger / rage / malice / slander / from your lips... /

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, cloth yourselves with:

compassion / kindness / gentleness / and patience.

Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

1Thess. 5:8 "But since we belong to the day, let us be self controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath... Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up."

Habb. 3:2 - a prayer: "... in wrath, remember mercy, O Lord."

(This is a good thing for us to remember to do, also!)

Habb 2:12 "Woe to him who builds a city with bloodshed... The Lord Almighty determined that the people's labor is only fuel for the fire"

Hmmm... City can = building ourselves a place of honor and esteem from others, a place of power from which to operate, and a place for us to "dwell".

Bloodshed in this era, can = murdering the reputations of others.

"Fuel for the fire" = when we do this thing, it will turn around at some point and burn us!

verse 16 - "Now it is your turn! Drink and be exposed!... Disgrace will cover your glory."

It sounds so awful, but taken in context, this means that the Lord merely turns back onto us what we've done to others.

Party Like Jesus Did

Oh Lord – of all the things I regret, I regret the vast amounts of time invested in helping them while Heidi was so ill. It seems like such a waste, now.

-- You don’t know that… --

You mean it wasn’t?

-- No. At least not in the way you are thinking.

You spent time, your time, to help someone who truly needed help.

And yes, it helped the church, too.

And you did gain from it. You needed friends at the time who were available.

And – You needed fun!

Little One – I know you and I don’t drive you. You just think I do.

Life is for living, too, not just work.

Hey – I partied. For real .

I enjoyed it so much!

Even in the midst of being about my Father’s business, I partied.

I enjoyed people and I enjoyed life. And that was during a very short three years.

Life is long; it is not three years. I do not expect you to function like a machine. --

Balking at Love and Difficult Children

Lord?

– Pick up your pen –

but I don't want to write.

– I know. –

okay. do You have anything to say to me? I feel so empty of words. 

– Yes. But you can't hear it. –

then open my ears, please. "Dig them out.” (funny - that's the same way one says "pierce my ears" in Hebrew, as in the kind of ear piercing a "lord" did to his slave in the public square as a sing that the slave desired to remain with his "lord" for always, willingly.)

– Oh My Child

My Little One

My Love. – 

– – – –

– Write it. You're "balking." – 

but it sounds so standard. Like I'm making it up.

– Perhaps. But you need the healing. –

Lord, help?

– I love you. –

(– Write it! – )

but?

– ! – 

okay.

– Lots. –

as in cast "lots"?

– No. A lot, silly. –

a silly filly. –

– Pat. Do you know you are being difficult? – 

You're laughing! But, Lord? I really don't feel like there is anything there.

– So, try. – 

– As the leaves turn brown and fall in their season,

so love grows.

Green bud, full leaf, lush color, brown. 

The lush color precedes their death.

Then they fall to the ground and there is apparent barrenness.

Stark do the trees stand against the sky.

This tells you something.

Patterns. -

Patterns in nature.

- I talk to you through the patterns. –

A hawk comes and lands on the tree.

Somehow I have always felt that hawks represent Your special promise to me.

– Watch –

As I watch, I realize that I would have not seen him if the trees had been leaf-full. The "apparent" barrenness of the woods allows other things to be seen.

– Keep watching. –

As I do, my eyes start blurring and I cannot get them real clear no matter how much I blink.

– This is as the hawk sees –

Everything blurs together, except the hawk that I focus on so intently. This is odd because the Hawk is essentially the same color as the surrounding woods. Yet the light hits him differently. And every little movement he makes shows up.

A squirrel scampers by.

oh - I would hate it, to see him catch the squirrel! They are so funny and I feel like they, too, have a special meaning between You and I.

– I know. That's why I won't let it happen. –

He sits there a long time.

– You've long wanted to know what kind of hawk it is that you've been seeing, haven't you?

Watch. –

He's heavy bodied and reddish. As he moves he flies heavily. His body is awfully rounded for a hawk. Wait a minute. Is "he" a "she"?

You smile.

And there are black and white bands on the tail. The tail seems maybe short. The hawk flies out of sight.

I tried staring at a single point again to see what would happen. At first, nothing. Then everything else begins to blur out. Once that happens, it is difficult to regain focus.

Wait! That tells me more than I thought!

At first I thought that You meant that when we focus on You, everything else fades away. But the converse is true – when I focus intently on one thing, the whole forest becomes a blur. If I focus intently on one thing: a problem, a person, pain – I lose sight of You! You perhaps are more akin to the woods than to the hawk. Hawks come and go, but the forest is always there. It is that which nurtures the Hawk, the squirrel, my heart. It is home to that which is dear to me, but it, itself, is dearer to me than all that it contains.

I know there is more to this. Please, tell me later? Thank You for Your gentle way of talking to me today. I feel too stale to hear "longer" words.

– There is no need –

for the longer word, or to feel stale?

– Both. –

ah. You're not saying that the staleness isn't there - You are saying that it is unnecessary. Please help me out of it then?

– I am –

thank You.

– Last word syndrome? –

but I don't want to be impolite...

I'm unsure if I should try to listen more, or if we're done for now?

– Go in peace, Little One. –

2/16

Part of the "more" to the above: when I focused on the hawk and couldn't really see the woods any more – the woods did not move away from me! It stayed where it was, and it stayed forest. It did not change; it did not withdraw. And - neither did I! I was as close to the woods as I ever was.

When I intensely focus on something (situation or person or problem) I cannot "see" You well. It is as if You are far away, withdrawn in displeasure. But I don't think so. Or we could say, "I moved". But I guess I didn't. It’s a matter of focus and how we are constructed. Intense focus blurs out everything else. It doesn't make it go away.

Like pain. That begs for focus. No wonder it is hard to sense Your comfort in the midst of the pain. We focus on it. How could we not - it hurts. And we're sort of made that way because pain is a warning bell for action.

One really funny thing. I've always wanted to really look at the hawk. I got my chance today, but he/she didn't do much. Really, when a hawk isn't moving, it’s not all that interesting.

Cross Markings

Betsey made five cross markings on my forehead and asked if I knew what they meant. I thought perhaps something like I wasn't trying hard enough, or carrying my "cross" very well. She said no, each mark stood for a member of my family, and symbolically for all those I care about. Then she said, "This is what the Lord would say to you..." I thought it would be a rebuke.

-- You carry everybody

but I carry you. 

It is not wrong that you carry everybody,

for I, with My own hand and very deliberately

have set each one on your heart.

But I have said to you that My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Each mark of the cross upon you

is a sign of where the weight of each life is to hang,

and that is on Me.

I desire to show you how to live reclined on Me,

the cross no longer an instrument of torture,

but the everlasting arms beneath you.

Can you just fall back on Me?

It is only a little while--

then no more gravity.

But for now, stay with Me.–

Draining Him Dry

I look outside through the huge high windows and see the world before me as You made it.

            O God.  You are big.

                           -- Yes.  I am "big".  –

            A lot of love.

                           -- Yes.  A lot of love.

            Enough love for you, Little One.

                        You can't drain Me dry.

                        You don't need to worry.

Enough love to go around.  More than you think.

 More than you can imagine.

            I am full of love, full of love towards you.

            It is like a bucket pour waiting to fall down over you,

            only this bucket has no end as far as you're concerned.

            There is no end to My love for anyone.

                        I cherish.

                        Oh how I long to cherish!

                        In My arms.

                                    I want you in My arms.

                        My arms are too empty...

                                    not enough to hold.

                        Bring Me My people, Little One.

                        Be used to bring them to Me.

                                    This is what I want of you,

                        not strictly some "service".

                                    I am glad you care

                        but, I need you elsewhere.

                                    Commit them into My hands and trust Me,

                                                with them

                                                with your "works".

            Oh how you fear "that day".

                        You don't have to fear that day

            for I  will take care of it.

            Indeed I have taken care of it.

            On the cross I cared for it

            and you will have no fear.

You will face Me on that day with tears in your eyes

                                      ... of joy.

            I will not beat you with a stick.

            I will not berate you in public.

                        Indeed I will not berate you.

                        I long to take you into My arms.

                        I long to hold you.

            The longings you feel towards Me are nothing compared to what I feel towards you.  You can't feel that much: it would burst you --

                                                                        even you!

            I know your emotions feel like "too much" at times

                                    but that is okay.

                                    I created you that way.

                        You are passionate

                                    and responsive

            and I love that in you.

            Don't try to hide it.

                        Yes, some people will not like it

            but that is between them and Me

            and I will use it, your passion,

            to rub rough edges smooth.

                        A smooth polished pebble, how nice it feels to hold.

            You are pleasant, pleasant to the ears

            and I love to hear your voice.

                        The road won't always be rocky

                        and I will comfort you.

            A new day… –

Sheepish Under-shepherds

--You don’t need to change them.  by Jonathan Wilson 

Your job is to love them into the Kingdom. Love them as they are.

Did Jesus cajole or preach at anyone to move them into the Kingdom?

“Perhaps,” you think. “Look at the Pharisees.”

Yes, I did rebuke them for the hardness of their hearts,

but they were hardhearted

Truly hardhearted against Me

And they sought to lead others away from Me! Deliberately, intentionally.

This is not the case with your families. They are not hardhearted as such;

they are confused and lost.

A sheep without a Shepherd is a dangerous thing,

and lonely.

Dangerous because it can hurt itself and others can get hurt trying to rescue it.

Sometimes the shepherd gets hurt in the process of seeking his (His) sheep

-but he (He) does not hold this against the sheep. Instead He seeks to hold the sheep and nurture it back to Himself, back to health.

He does not castigate the sheep, but merely seeks to do that which will prevent its harm – all His energies go into the sheep and not into His own desires.

I would have you (plural) do likewise

Be My “under-shepherds”

Work for the good of My sheep, alone.

Work with Me hand in hand and I will guide you.

Seek not your own good, but let Me take care of that for you, for not only are you My little “Shepherd-lings,” but you are My sheep, also.

And I love you with a sacrificial love that lays down My “life” daily for you.

Now I ask you to go and do likewise for the good of My sheep

for the good of My people,

for the good of Myself.—

Amen, Lord. Thank You.

Teeth Clenching Pride and Kings

Lord, it is depressing to read in Kings and Chronicles. Kings who started out well, and who You took care of magnificently, became hardened against You. Either they became full of self-pride or they abandoned You for other“gods”even the “gods” of their enemies that You had enabled themto defeat!

This terrifies me. Please do not let me fall from the path that You have started me on. I can see all too easily how it could happen.

Lord – I’m scared.

— Don’t be…—

but why?

— Because I will carry you. —

but what about those kings?

— Pride was their downfall. —

but I have pride, too.

— Not the same thing —

but Lord, I don’t understand it.

— You don’t need to. —

but?

— Softness. I soften your heart towards Me. —

but what about them?

— Determined hardness. —

I see teeth clenching.

— Teeth clenching pride. —

I’m confused.

— I know you are,

but you can trust Me.

I won’t leave you to your own devices.

I know you are helpless

It is no surprise to Me,

only to you.

I have been but letting you feel it lately. It is

miserable and frightening for you. I know that.

To “see” yourself is a scary thing. It leaves you

feeling as though you are “hanging out there”

You aren’t –

but you would be if left to your own.

That is simply what you need to know

- that you aren’t some “spiritual giant”

nor do you have to be,

nor will you ever be.

Do you think I love you any the less for that?

You do, don’t you?

But I don’t. —

Be a Child

The most precious place in all existence to be when it’s “Just the 2 of us” – You and each of us. I know that it is for me.

But. ooohhhh. That can be a rocky road!

— Hmmmm . . . —

You sound content.

— I am —

always?

— No. Not always, silly! You know that! —

but that is what some writers say, that “God is always content because He’s infinitely in control.”

— Humpf! —

You “snort!"

— Yes I do! Forget "the writers"!

Pat! You know better than that .—

but sometimes I forget, sort of.

— You fear, you mean,

that somehow I am “detached,” above it all.

I am not “above it all”

I’m in it all, right in the thick of things, in the middle,

down in the “nitty-gritty.”

So down in the nitty gritty that I the grit between My “teeth”! —

Oh, dear! You smile!

— Yes. And you worry too much. —

and I can feel myself crawl into Your lap and curl up there, content like a child.

— Yes, Child. My child. This is where I want you for now.

There will be more: but for now, rest in Me. Let Me hold you.

And you will be content, and I will be content

for now, for a while.

And then you will grow up in Me and that will be different, powerful.

Yes, you will like it,

but for now, just for now

be a child. –

Everlasting Love

-- Oh, My Child, I love you.

          I have loved you with an everlasting love.

How can you doubt?

          I have been with you,and I have run before you.

          I am your strength and I am your shield.

You are Mine, My own,

and I have owned you

and will not let you go.

I have owned you forever and you are Mine.

Do not doubt. Do not fear.

I am here with you. --

Dignity and Honor

I hear  

-- Write --

I ask, "What should I write?"   

-- What I tell you --

 but in the interest of "testing" who is speaking, I sit here and bask. I feel like opening "John". As I do I hear   -- 14:1  --   which says: 

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me... I will come back and take you to be with Me so that you also may be where I am. You know the place to where I am going (for)... I am the way , the truth , and the life."

--  And you know Me, Pat.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. --

I feel tense and conflicted.  Help me not to make "rules" for You like: "Oh well, of course He wouldn't speak to me in the state I'm in -- I'm too riddled with yuck. Why would He want to get near?"

          oh well...  please talk to me anyway if that is what You wish. I wait, Lord.  Let nothing else intervene, not even me.  

         Lord?  So what do I write?

--  What I tell you.  --

what would that be? 

-- Love Me.  Love My children.  My poor, poor children. 

Love them -- they need so much. 

Just love them.  --

but how?  What does that mean?

--  Treat them with dignity.

Give each one dignity and honor.  My honor.  I honor each.

Treat each with honor as if I were in them -- for I am, when they are Mine.

I "feel" how you treat Me.

Treat Me with love and treat Me with honor

- no matter what the human part of them does to you.

Speak to Me in them.  --

oh God.  Give me grace.  You know I cannot do this on my own, in my flesh.

--  That is the point.  --

but I don't exactly know how to let You love through me...

--  Come to Me often.  Come to Me frequently.

I will not leave you abandoned.  I will "love" you.

Oh, if only you knew!  For I am light and I am life.  --